Diet Coke and a Pizza Please

Now, I'm going to preface this with I hope she doesn't mind that I am writing about this. Some details  are left out due to respect to my mother.

So, I was sitting in the car with my mother on Saturday night and we were talking about weight. She has always been a little insecure about it (though god knows why, she's as gorgeous as she was a bazillion years ago) and I was telling her she was being absolutely ridiculous, that she's not fat. I then tell her that I weight around 130 lbs and she turns and looks at me and says "no you're not!" and I say "... Yes I am..." and she says "I don't believe you." I then said again "...Yes I am..." or something. She turns and looks and me and says "well, you don't show it."

Now, I love my mother and I am, in no way, trying to make fun or paint her out to look like a terrible person. She said something that she thought was comforting to me. However, it was that response to my weight that got me thinking. Why was her automatic response to tell me that I don't look as fat as I am? (for the record, I don't think I'm fat, I have never had any insecurities about my body about from my boobs) Why has my response to her always been "shut up, you're not fat"?What the fuck does being fat even mean? Fat is a state of mind; it is a self hating, self deprecating word used only to insult. There is no specific weight limit that defines the word "fat" (fuck the BMI). We whisper the word "fat" like it is a curse word, like it is the equivalent of the "c word" or the "n word".

Why does our weight make us attractive? A slam I once heard* had a beautiful quote in it that I don't think that I will ever forget. "I told my boyfriend I felt fat. He said "No, you're not fat, you're beautiful". I wondered why I couldn't be both". That is the best quote I have ever heard in regards to this situation. Mother, I'm done telling you that you are not fat, because that implies that being heavy is a negative thing. It is telling bigger girls that they are ugly because of their weight. I can't tell someone that they are not fat and then turn around and tell someone else that they are beautiful no matter how much they weigh.

I told my mother that I weighed 130 lbs (gasp! I am telling my actual weight to everyone on facebook!) and her response was to tell me that I didn't look it. What happens when I do? It is a terrible thing to say to someone, that they look skinny. It starts them down this path of self hate. They feel like they have to live up to your expectations and freak out when live throws them stuff that they can't control. Things like medical problems, depression, having children, they all contribute to weight. It is preposterous to expect women and men to maintain the same weight through out their lives. Why can't the stretch marks and fat be beautiful? They show you are alive and thriving.

There is one thing that I constantly live in fear of and that is the effects that age is going to have on my body. I don't want wrinkles, I don't want saggy boobs and droopy eyes. I am terrified of grey hair and crows feet. The only reason that I am afraid is because I hear, every day, people complaining that they are getting grey hair, that they have another line on their face. Logically, getting older should be a beautiful thing. It shows wisdom and strength. Why is it so unattractive? Why is being bigger unattractive?

You know what we should all do? For one day, replace the word "fat" with the word "beautiful". That way, when we wake up in the morning and look at ourselves in the mirror, we say "man, I really look beautiful today".

*If any of you know her name, I would like for you to come up and give credit where credit is due plz.